


Times Change

by NeonMidnightMod



Category: wrestling - Fandom
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2009-10-21
Updated: 2009-10-21
Packaged: 2017-10-02 13:11:56
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 992
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/6717
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/NeonMidnightMod/pseuds/NeonMidnightMod
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Companion piece to The Heartbreak Trilogy. PG-13; mention of m/m, angst.</p><p>Shawn sufferes a crisis of conscience.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Times Change

**Author's Note:**

> Maintainer note: The author of this story is Nishia, fic originally archived with permission at Neon Midnight (geocities.com/dedicatedtotherockers)

ACKNOWLEDGEMENTS: Thanks go to Guenhwyvar, who's "Heartbreak" trilogy inspired this little side story and to Fay, my beta. LOOK! Another non smutty fic, who'da thunk?

AUTHOR'S NOTES: This is set about 3 years before the last part of the trilogy. It not part of the series, just a side story. I hope the story stands alone but I'd recommend you read the trilogy first anyway, just to be safe.

 

 

(Shawn's pov)

 

I never thought anything would hurt as much as letting you go. I was wrong.

 

This pain, this jagged blade that runs me through and tears huge chunks of my soul from me at it's withdrawal, is a hundred, no, a thousand times worse than anything I've felt before.

 

You're partially the reason I feel like I'm dying right now, like every breath I take is poison to me. I could blame you for my misery but I won't, I love you too much for that. I could blame her, I never really loved her in the first place, but that was hardly her fault was it. She couldn't help it that she wasn't you. I could blame them. They looked so happy together, so unafraid, so prepared to just be themselves and screw what everyone else thought, but how can I blame them for being happy? Everyone deserves to be happy don't they? Everyone except me.

 

I'm the one who's truly to blame for the state I'm in now. I'm the one who fell in love with my best friend, I'm the one who let my desires get a submission move locked in on my common sense. I pushed you away. I was scared of what loving you would mean, scared of what other people would think, scared that you would be punished in some way because of me so I took the cowards way out and ended things between us before they ever really had a chance to get started.

 

I'm sorry Marty. I'm so sorry. I know how much I hurt you. Hell, I hurt me just as much, but at the time, I truly believed it was the best thing for both of us. Now, I'm not so sure.

 

Becca threw me out tonight. She finally got tired of being second best I guess. I can't say I'm sorry, I'm not. It was never right between me and her, how could it be? But I wasn't gonna be the one to end it, I wasn't gonna break someone else's heart the way I broke yours.

 

Anyway, I ended up back here at the hotel. Stupid huh, when we're in my own hometown, but where else was I gonna go? It was pretty late, I didn't think any of the guys would be about, I hoped they wouldn't be, I didn't feel like answering the inevitable questions, but they were there.

 

They didn't see me but I saw them. Reso and the rainbow Hardy, walking through the lobby holding hands and giggling and looking at each other like they were the only two people on the planet. I watched as they stopped by the desk for their key, they let go of each others hand but Hardy immediately had his hand down the back of Reso's pants and he was kissing his neck and breathing in his ear and the receptionist didn't even bat an eyelid. It was like seeing two guys making out was the most natural thing in the world.

 

Times sure have changed haven't they?

 

The whole scene just made me wanna puke. I already knew they were together, seems like a lot more of the guys these days are gay and you'd be surprised how many of them are real couples, but knowing it, and seeing them backstage was one thing. Seeing them together in public, not caring who saw them was something else entirely.

 

All I could think about was you, about us, about what I'd thrown away. That could've been us Marty. If I'd only had the courage to follow my heart instead of my head.

 

I had to get away, I couldn't stand to look at them any longer so I ran.

 

And now, I'm sitting on the floor of a hotel men's room, my eyes swollen and red from all the crying I've been doing. I think I've cried myself dry, and my stomach is heaving so badly that I'm sure it's gonna come up through my throat in a minute.

 

You should hate me now, you have every right to. What I did to you back then was wrong, so wrong. I know you would've given up everything for me if I'd asked, I know you loved me just as much as I loved you and I know I broke your heart.

 

I'm dying, I know it. I've been slowly dying ever since I told you goodbye but the end is coming faster now. I don't think I can survive the pain I feel right now.

 

My hands are shaking from the effort of not pulling out my cell and punching in your number. I want to call you, so bad. I wanna tell you I'm sorry and beg you give me another chance but I can't. I can't do that to you, not after all this time.

 

It's been seven long years. You've probably moved on, found yourself a nice girl, or guy and settled down. You probably don't even give me a second thought these days. That's why I won't call. I won't ruin whatever happiness you may have found, and I DO hope you have found some.

 

Maybe we'll meet again sometime in the future. Maybe, by then, I'll be over you, though I doubt it. At least by then I should be able to look at you without feeling like I'm dying all over again, you might even be able to forgive me, then maybe, just maybe I'll be able to forgive myself.

 

The End


End file.
